Letter from renowned human rights defender Ms. He Fangmei to her husband from prison

Teacher Li：

May you look well when you receive this letter！I entrust my thoughts to these words！

At the beginning of the letter，first allow me to convey my greetings to relatives and friends around the world，and to say “thank you”！Thank you all for your unfailing help to our entire family over all these years，there have been far too many acts of kindness to list or adequately express my gratitude，and I have no way to repay you in this lifetime，by what virtue or ability could Fangmei and I have received so many blessings……。This has undoubtedly comforted my body through its long imprisonment，and made me feel that I am not alone after all！The lawyers told me about the many acts of kindness，Sister Thirteen will never dare forget them！

I began working in the unit（prison ward）on April 30，and in accordance with prison regulations，I was finally allowed to write letters after being assigned to a work unit，writing a letter was an urgent matter I had been looking forward to for so，so long，time is limited，so I can only write intermittently on the Wednesdays and Saturdays that are rest days，I am also worried that paper and ink are limited and the letter is long，so please forgive me for writing a little tiny……，although this is the first time I have written to you，in fact，during the year and a half I spent under residential surveillance at Huixian Gongji Psychiatric Hospital，I wrote letters and poems to you and our son，one was a letter for the Mid-Autumn Festival in 2021，and the other was the “Prison Song for the Lantern Festival” in 2022，but they were only yearnings that could not be “sent” out，so I could only admire them and pity myself in solitude……（drawing of someone crying）

On March 17，the second day after I had just entered Zhengzhou Zhongmu Women’s Prison，you went to Xinxiang Detention Center to visit me but were unsuccessful，and then on the fourth day，you came to see me with astonishing speed on the day of the Zhengzhou visiting session，I was shocked at the time，and my fellow inmates said you were very attentive to me，and even praised you for being intelligent and having your own ideas，saying that you came to see me before waiting for the notice of imprisonment，I did not expect that after you later received the notice of imprisonment，you immediately wrote me a letter that very day，when I received your first letter half a month later，I felt immensely surprised and proud，my hands trembled as I held your letter，reading your words，it was as if you were speaking to me right beside my ear，just like the letters Shen Congwen wrote to his girlfriend，it truly confirmed that saying：in the past，carriages and horses were slow，time was slow，receiving a letter took many days，and one loved only one person for a lifetime……，my fellow inmates praised your beautiful handwriting，saying it looked like it had been printed by a computer。

Your letter could not conveniently be carried when I was transferred to another prison，if I chose to mail it back to you，I was afraid you would mistakenly think the prison authorities had deliberately refused to accept it and cause a stir online，but I could not bear to throw it away either，so after thinking it over，I memorized your letter and then tore it up，I had never memorized a letter before。A letter from a husband who has passed through the seven-year itch of marriage，when I calculate how long you and I have known each other，our first fruit of love——our son，is already 13 years old，and after subtracting the more than seven years we spent in prison on two separate occasions，we have actually been together for only about six years，moreover，after I became pregnant with each of our three children，there were times when you were not by my side，and even when you were there，it was never for long，especially during my pregnancy at Gongji Hospital and when I gave birth to our younger daughter，you were even more absent from providing companionship and care，at the time even our elder daughter said，when I see Dad，I will hide my sister in your belly and cover her with clothes，because Dad does not care about us。Ah……but what I did not expect was that a year and a half after giving birth to our younger daughter，I followed in your footsteps and came in here（I was sentenced to five and a half years in prison，and only learned that you had been sentenced to five years on the day of the hearing on March 23，2022），and it was by seeing the children in the way that you were released before me，when I heard that you had taken the children from the government and brought them to live with you，I was somewhat relieved。

From your first visit with me at Xinxiang Detention Center on November 18 last year（one month after your release）to the present，you have visited me seven times in total，and I have been immensely happy，especially because I was also able to see the children，and my eldest sister even came from far away in another place，I have been immensely happy over this past half-year，after all，I had not seen them for more than five years since being imprisoned！Every month I looked forward to visiting day，and savored the words spoken during the visits again and again for days on end，I was so happy that I could not sleep。Since we were both arrested on October 9 and around the middle of October 15，2020，nearly six years have passed for each of us，when I saw you again，I saw that you were still so full of vitality，we had both grown old in prison，but you still seemed young，and you were still so talkative，you could truly talk and laugh with ease，the children have grown taller and their faces have changed too，when he was little our son looked like Taotao and Second Brother’s son，but now he looks very much like Big Brother’s son，and our younger daughter looks like Third Brother’s younger son。When I was under residential surveillance，I secretly had the children take my surname，because I am a feminist and believe that liking a girl and liking a boy involve the same amount of love，and it also made up for the regret that when our elder daughter was born，you failed to keep your promise that a daughter would take my surname！Our elder daughter once fought for affection and said angrily：“I am the one named He x，and my sister is named Li x。”Hehe！

When she was little our elder daughter looked like Second Sister’s son，but now she has changed so much that I can barely recognize her，she is almost as tall as you and is fully a half-grown girl，it is truly a case of a girl in the family growing up before one’s eyes，it has been more than four years since we parted at Gongji Hospital，when she was only six years old and now she is ten，and because a single vaccine left the child unable to care for herself，she has never attended even one day of school，it is all because I failed to protect her properly，if she had not been vaccinated then nothing would have happened，but without vaccination she was not allowed to attend school either，this was compulsory under national policy and I had no choice。Now the child cannot walk with either foot，cannot grasp or hold things with either hand and cannot manage her urination or bowel movements independently，because of the vaccine incident，the history of our entire family was rewritten。

May 19 every year is the day of the vaccine tragedy that I find hardest to forget，because this year marks the eighth anniversary of the disaster in which the child was disabled by a vaccine，I cannot forget what happened on May 19，2018，when the child was only one year and ten months old and spent more than 40 days being treated in the hospital，her tiny body covered with tubes，she had difficulty breathing and swallowing，could not eat or drink and was incontinent，I cannot forget the doctor shouting at the door of the resuscitation room：family of Li x，who is the family of Li x？There is no money left，send money immediately or we will stop the medication……，the disease control center collectively turned a deaf ear，if it had not been for the caring help of netizens and passers-by A，B，C and D，the child might not have survived to this day，and might have died that year because our family had been impoverished by illness and could not afford treatment，of course I would not have allowed that to happen，I would not have let the child fend for herself or die，and it was also because of the vaccine rights-defense case that you and I were both imprisoned，causing our three innocent children to lose both their father’s and mother’s love，and making the young children “orphans” for five or six long years……

Likewise，March 6 and March 23 every year are also days I can never forget，because the following day was the date of our elder daughter’s last vaccination in 2018，she was improperly given two vaccinations within one month，and three injections in total，which caused her disability，the irony is that March 6，2019 and March 23，2022 were the dates of my two imprisonments，it really is black humor，truly April Fools’ Day，and truly more unjustly wronged than Dou E！It is simply our family’s “tragedy”。

Every time I see the 10-year-old child sitting in a wheelchair with her enormous body，the stark contrast deeply pains my heart，I think of how the child often watches on the phone videos of herself walking before she was disabled by the vaccine and asks sadly，Mom，when will I be able to walk like I did when I was little？When will I be able to wear high heels again？As a mother，every time I hear this my heart bleeds……，in the videos the child mischievously insists on wearing my high heels and cautiously drags the long，pointed shoes around as she walks clomp clomp……，I never imagined that the image of her walking would remain frozen at one year and ten months，and that she would not walk again for eight years to this day，I hope that her inability to walk is not eternal but that one day the child will be able to stand up and walk independently again，I think about it and look forward to it，and even dream of the child walking……

I cannot forget how，before the child was disabled by the vaccine，when she was just over one year old，she wore a crown on her head，held a magic wand in her hand，wore a Snow White dress and silver leather shoes on her feet as she toddled through the crowd，turning heads everywhere。The children shouted in high voices，“Little Snow White！Little Snow White……”That little star who had once been surrounded by passers-by competing to take photographs and check in with her was gone，the child had once been our family’s “showpiece” and my pride，but now all of it has been destroyed，my heart feels cut by knives and the child’s world has collapsed even more completely……

I saw on television that there is an assisted therapy for this kind of neurological damage（acute myelitis）in children called a brain-computer interface，but all the cases I saw involved middle-aged or older men with spinal cord damage（unable to grasp things with both hands or stand on both feet and sitting in wheelchairs）and it seemed that surgery was required in clinical trials？That would be too painful。Moreover，as for the results，it is not as if one gets better immediately after surgery，there is also a need for sustained rehabilitation training，but we can learn more about it and consider it，in a word：we will not give up treating the child！I will not give up as long as there is any new treatment plan！I believe future AI and medical technology will become increasingly advanced。

During these years of my imprisonment，the child has also stopped rehabilitation treatment for several years，what a sin，what a sin！I do not expect treatment to restore the healthy way she once bounced around，but at the very least I hope treatment can enable the child to walk and hold things with her hands and ensure her most basic ability to care for herself，especially as a girl，now that she is growing up，bathing，getting dressed，wiping herself after using the toilet and changing sanitary pads all require privacy，and constantly relying on others for help hurts her self-esteem，even if I spend my entire life caring for her，who will care for her for the rest of her life？After all，I will certainly go to meet God before she does……

To continue the matter of the middle-aged man with spinal cord damage mentioned above，Weihui Hospital diagnosed the child with acute myelitis，while Beijing Children’s Hospital gave the more authoritative full name of an inflammatory demyelinating disease of the central nervous system，which not only accords with the fact that the package insert for the final DTaP vaccine the child received states that a side effect of receiving the vaccine is susceptibility to neuritis，but also matches the evidence。Moreover，a Beijing forensic appraisal institution even issued an expert opinion stating that a causal relationship between the vaccination and the child’s illness could not be ruled out。As you said several years ago，you saw in the literature that demyelinating diseases were illnesses generally affecting men aged middle years and above，so in theory a two-year-old child（girl）should not have one，unless it was caused by vaccination，during the period when I was under residential surveillance，among the more than 100 male and female police officers who took turns in three shifts to guard me for ten days at a time，there was one police officer（I heard he was your classmate and childhood friend）whose name I have forgotten，please contact him when convenient，more than 20 years ago，when he was approximately 30 years old，he suddenly developed spinal cord damage，with symptoms exactly the same as the child’s，the emergency treatment alone cost more than 900,000 yuan，not including rehabilitation costs，he can walk today but cannot run or jump and his gait is abnormal though not very noticeable，because he was given too much steroid medication during the emergency treatment at the time，he now suffers from a sequela of femoral-head necrosis，in any case，being able to walk is a good thing and counts as a blessing in misfortune，but what about my child？It has been eight years since the child was disabled by a vaccine and she still cannot walk！

Although the probability of a vaccine causing illness is said to be one case in a million people，even if only one child unfortunately receives the vaccine demon’s “poison”，the consequences are lifelong，disastrous and substantive，and my child happens to be that unfortunate one in a million，that “one”，her entire life has been ruined……completely ruined……disabled……At 10 the child should have been starting fourth grade in the second half of this year，but because the vaccine left her unable to care for herself she has never attended a single day of school，and in addition you and I have not been by her side these past few years，I do not even know how many characters the child can write？This is one of my pains，now that you have completed your sentence and returned home，teach the child properly，and even if she cannot hold a pen，find every possible way to do so。

Every time I visit，I see our son lovingly protecting his sister on both sides of her wheelchair，acting as her guardian and ready to come whenever needed，on one occasion he even lifted his sister from the wheelchair and made her “stand” for me to see，sharing with me his pride in the fact that she could “stand” for a while with support（after all，during the first few years after she became ill the younger girl could neither sit nor stand，seeing the joy covering the child’s face after she stood up made me so heartsick，pained and guilty）。This is how her brother has always been，just as when he was little he brought tea and water to and fed his sister who could not care for herself，the five- or six-year-old boy felt sorry for his sister as she lay on the ground and crawled around dragging her disabled lower body with her elbows in search of chocolate and other sweets，until his elbows developed calluses，he would secretly take chocolate and rock sugar to his sister behind my back，and when I discovered it，the brother blamed his sister for eating too slowly and getting them caught，the siblings looked at me trembling with fear as if waiting for me to explode，the affection between them was so evident that it moved me immensely。I think that if I die after a long life，I hope her brother will be his sister’s support and protect her forever，and then I will be able to leave this world at peace……，so I gently told the children that it was not that I did not allow her to eat，I was only worried that it would be bad for her teeth and hoped she would eat small amounts more frequently！

In the blink of an eye，her brother is already 13 and will enter junior middle school in the second half of the year，when we “separated” in 2020，he had only been in first grade for a few days，and during these four years in the detention center I kept thinking that these were the years when children write compositions，did he mention us in his compositions？How should he write about us as people bearing criminal convictions？Did we make him lose face？Did he therefore hold his head down and suffer ridicule and bullying from his classmates？I know none of this and did not dare imagine whether it would cause the child severe psychological trauma，or whether he might be led astray by street toughs？Only when my son personally told me that his grades were all right did I feel much more comforted。The child must have many things he wants to tell me but is restricted by visiting times，so he can write me letters。I will always be the child’s confidante and also his close “friend”。Judging from how our son cares for his sister，I feel reassured that the old saying “you can tell what an adult will be like at three and what they will be like in old age at six” is true。I also remember that when our son was only four，he helped me care for his waking sister and change her diaper while I went out to buy breakfast，she was more than two years old then and after becoming ill could no longer walk or use the toilet and had to be carried there by an adult，but our son was too small to carry her and could only change her diaper（these are the boy’s own words）。When I returned I found that he had put the diaper on backwards。I was both moved and amused（after all，he was still a child himself and yet was caring for a younger sister），and laughed until I cried，while his brother shyly laughed and laughed……

Our younger daughter first called me Mommy on her sister’s birthday，July 21，2021（when the floods were rising and water had spread into the house）。She was born on February 4 and was only five and a half months old，while I remember that her sister’s first word was “Daddy”。She was also only a little over five months old at the time and you did not believe it，but when I showed you the video you were extremely happy。In the video the child is wearing a soft-elastic crown and a white princess tutu and is sitting in a stroller playing with her brother at an amusement park when she suddenly says “Daddy” and chokes on her saliva，her brother also said “Daddy” first and was not yet a year old either。If you had been by our younger daughter’s side，she surely would have said “Daddy” first too，because as soon as you opened your mouth you would say，“Come here baby，Daddy will hold you，say Daddy，quickly say Daddy，come on say it……”You were so shameless that you made the child stare at you in bewilderment as you jostled her，as if it would be an offense against you if the child did not say “Daddy”。When our younger daughter was not yet one，while I was helping her defecate I asked whether she needed to go again and she actually said，No more。At first when they told me this I did not believe it，but when I bent close and heard the child say it again I believed them。The regret is that I did not have a “mobile phone” at the time to record this bit of childish speech or the adorable video of using a bedsheet as a walking harness，wrapping it under Qiao’en’s armpits to help her learn to walk……

However，what I did not expect was that when the child was one year and one month old，before I had witnessed the moment when she completely let go and walked independently，I separated from her to attend the hearing and then went straight into the detention center，if I had known in advance that this would happen，I would have breastfed the child one more time and properly said goodbye to her sister and entrusted her to “take care” of herself and her sister，even though I knew she could not care for herself。

During these four years in the detention center I kept thinking that the concept of “Mommy” must have faded from our younger daughter’s mind，right？Did she know that there was still a “Mommy” and a “Daddy” in this world，that Daddy was serving his sentence in Jiaozuo？I cannot forget that the child went into shock twice at Gongji Hospital，twice！The doctor said that if the shock lasted more than four minutes the child would have been almost impossible to save，if I had not held the child while crying and urgently kicked the door demanding that they bring the key and rush her to the emergency department，the child might have died，on the way I held the child while my entire body shook，my legs and arms were weak and I suffered a sudden heart attack，one kind person carried the child to the emergency department while another kind person ran ahead to call the doctors，I recovered for several dozen seconds on the way and followed them to the child，and only after seeing the child regain consciousness did I feel reassured enough to collapse onto the floor，with my heartbeat gradually returning to normal。

The child went into shock because she was afraid of strangers，and whenever she saw a stranger enter she would frightenedly burrow into someone’s arms，in the child’s world，the only people she knew were those guarding us and everyone else was an extraterrestrial，whenever she saw a stranger she cried and fussed without stopping，and when she saw doctors she cried so hard that nothing could comfort her，no one expected her to cry until she could not breathe，her lips turned purple，her face turned white，her eyes rolled upward and opened wide and her hands and feet hung limply，as if we were holding a “corpse”，these images deeply pained me，it was March 12 and 11 days later I entered the detention center。

So you must treat the children well，after all，living is not easy and while you are alive you should cherish life，even if the children are difficult for you to get along with，you must work things out properly and guide them well，personally I do not want the children to become excessively obedient good babies，having a little “independence of thought” is not necessarily a bad thing，because I do not want the children to close their hearts and become depressed and ill，as their father，you must adjust your attitude，and never maintain gentlemanly manners in front of outsiders while bullying the family at home，do not flick the children on the forehead，of course you would not do these things，you must explore and learn more about parenting，in fact we are also learning and progressing and “growing up” together with the children。

During these four years in the detention center I imagined countless times whether our younger daughter would still be afraid of strangers when she saw me at home，and whether she would hide behind her brother and sister while looking at me，her sister would surely say，Sister，this is Mommy，quickly call her Mommy！But I never expected that when I really saw our younger daughter for the first time in the detention center she would not be timid at all and would even grab the telephone and say to me，Mommy，I missed you so much。When we visited in Zhengzhou，perhaps because I was wearing prison clothes，the child said，Mommy，when you get out I will buy you a pretty dress and pretty high heels。When we visited in Luoyang she said again，Mommy，your cosmetics have expired，when you get out I will ask Daddy to buy you cosmetics，while the older brother and sister were instead quiet and said little。Perhaps they understand too much and have experienced the fear and separation caused by their father and mother being arrested，I brought the children into this world but failed to let them enjoy freedom from fear，which is my failure as a mother。

The older brother and sister have witnessed so many disasters that they have suffered permanent psychological trauma，and when they see me they dare not speak carelessly，I guessed that the children would certainly blame themselves after returning home and that their sister would certainly complain that you had not given her a chance to speak，so during my next visit I tried to take the initiative and talk more with the older brother and sister，but instead the sister became awkward and shy，and for the most part the older brother and sister would answer only after I asked a question，as if they no longer had an active mind of their own，unlike the talkative children they were when they were young and unlike the children who always asked ten thousand whys，I remember the first night at Gongji Hospital when the child said to me，Mommy，can I please ask you not to go throw paint at the municipal government anymore，otherwise they will arrest you again and I will not be able to see you again，Mommy，I just will not get medical treatment anymore，okay？Promise me，I do not want to go to prison，I want to be with you，you are my best Mommy……

It is difficult to imagine a four-year-old child saying such things，and when I think of them again I choke up several times，before the child said these words I had only recently been released after being imprisoned for the first time for 10 months，which had caused the child immense fear，and this second imprisonment has meant that we have been separated for five or six years，how many times over has that fear grown？I feel deeply guilty for the harm caused to the child by my paint-throwing protests after I came to my senses！Fortunately，although the child does not say much every time she sees me，her eyes and smile always face me and the joy she genuinely displays cannot be concealed。I am also looking forward to the New Year’s Day when I complete my sentence and walk out of the prison gate，holding the children and spinning with them in the air and kissing them until I cannot kiss them enough，though by then I probably will not be able to lift them。

I heard that Second Sister traveled from another place to Zhengzhou on April 17 to see me but was unsuccessful because I had already been transferred to Luoyang Women’s Prison two days earlier，on April 15，I was very moved and heartbroken，and you came with astonishing speed to Luoyang the following week to see me，which made me feel very warm inside，but I was also very worried about you and the children，the journey is far，you have to get up and set out at two in the morning，take a taxi to the railway station，take an overnight train to Luoyang and then transfer to the subway and take another taxi before you can see me，after seeing me for a short 20 minutes you have to hurry straight back home，especially since our elder daughter is in poor health and still sits in a wheelchair，making her go through all that back and forth is too troublesome，at least you could find somewhere to rest in Luoyang before leaving，take the children around the old city of Luoyang，which is said to be a second “Hengdian”，let the children put on ancient costumes and take photographs and check in and enjoy feeling like stars。On ordinary weekends or during the summer vacation，take the children on budget trips，after all，these years when you and I have not been at home the children’s minds and bodies have also been “confined” for several years，so make it up properly to our beloved children，I think that I will be home in six months。The money has also arrived（on the second day after you visited me，the account check showed that 1,000 yuan had been received and I cried on the spot。For a family victimized by vaccines like ours，1,000 yuan counts as a “huge sum”，it means that the quality of life for you and the children has declined and that you have to go less often to amusement parks and scenic areas or eat less meat，and in addition you were released from prison only recently and have no income while the child has not seen a doctor for several years，but because I have not admitted guilt I am allowed to spend only 100 yuan per month under the regulations，this is still the first time I have bought anything in six years，which is fine，we should save wherever possible），you do not need to come see me every month，we can write letters and make telephone calls every month。

You said that my mother and my eldest and second sisters wanted to come to Luoyang to see me，and I do not know whether you will come to see me by the time you receive this letter，but I mean that none of you should come，it is too exhausting to travel from another place，we can also make telephone calls，and when I am able to make calls the first one I will call is my mother，although I also very much want to see Mom and my eldest and second sisters，let us endure another six months and meet at home。

When I heard that my mother wanted to come see me，I was both happy and worried，happy because I would finally soon see my elderly mother，after all，it has been ten years since we last met，and I also blame myself for marrying far away from Guizhou to Henan and then going to prison，making it difficult for us to meet：worried because my mother is old and at the age of 80 would have to endure a long journey to see me，and her health is not very good，speaking of it，I have still not been able to receive my mother and let her come see the place where her daughter married，but instead she really came to see the place where her daughter is imprisoned，this is my sin and humiliation，and my failure in the filial duty of being present to attend to my mother，we have shown great disrespect and caused my mother to worry，I look forward to returning home and sitting together with my mother to chat properly and reminisce about things from my childhood。

Should our younger daughter start primary school in the second half of this year？When I gave birth to her at the People’s Hospital I signed an agreement with the hospital voluntarily refusing vaccination，and while in the detention center I also sent a declaration to the Huixian government stating that none of my three children was to be given any vaccinations，which was delivered by a lawyer，you must tell the children and the school not to receive vaccinations organized by the school，whether paid for out of pocket or free，as for our younger daughter’s enrollment，you can follow the example of when I once went to a vaccination site to obtain an enrollment certificate for our son。

It is too hard for you to care for the three children alone，wait patiently for me to return home in six months and share the burden with you，there are too many things I want to say，so I will tell them in installments，the book cannot convey everything I mean，I am immensely grateful，I am well in every respect，do not worry about me。I will put down my pen here and continue later。

Your devoted wife：He Fangmei

June 13, 2026